I’m sure you’ve heard the song “Mad World,” if not, there will be a link at the bottom. In my younger years when I first heard this song, I found it depressing and didn’t understand it; it didn’t make sense to me. I heard the song earlier this morning after a particularly strange dream and in the middle of one of the worst fits of depression I’ve ever dealt with. I’ll be honest, I cried. It was a rough morning for me, and it led to a rough day, and an even worse night. As we speak I’ve been in bed for hours simply unable to fall asleep. This isn’t what I wanted out of life, and this is far from what I was expecting my early twenties to be like.
I’m not writing this post simply to bitch about my life, but in the hopes that someone may read it and relate, and learn from my mistakes.
As of right now, I think the biggest problem in my life is my self-esteem, closely followed by not being able to manage my depression and mood swings. Let’s be real here, I hate myself, and I have since about 2006. I wake up in the morning and all I want to do is pull out my hair and crawl out of my skin. I’ve had problems with my weight for as long as I can remember, and I’ve been determined to do something about it. My problem comes in that shortly after I resolve to change things, depression sets in and I lose all motivation to live let alone get my ass to the gym.
This causes a lot of difficulties with my relationships. I’ll start with the easy one to explain: my friendships. I have a network of extremely amazing friends who are usually very supportive and generous. I love them more than anything and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Like most people my friends like to make plans with me, and unlike most people I blow them off completely more often than not. It’s not like I do this with malicious intent, I feel awful when this happens; and I just don’t know how to tell them that I’d rather kill myself than get out of my bed. There are old friends of mine that I’ve blown off so frequently that they’ve dropped contact with me completely, which really doesn’t help the depression. Worse than ruining friendships, I feel I’ve destroyed my marriage. Granted I know I’m not the only problem, but I’m sure my self loathing doesn’t help at all. According to my husband I’m selfish and nihilistic and part of me is starting to believe that he’s actually right and not just mildly emotionally abusive. There are days I look at my husband like he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but most of the time I see him as someone I’d like to suffocate with a pillow. That’s not a healthy relationship. For either one of us. Sometimes I dream about leaving, but I really don’t have the guts or the financial stability to do it. In addition, I really do love him, and I couldn’t imagine living without him. The thing is, I don’t feel like we’re in a relationship anymore. I feel like we’re glorified roommates. We’re at a point where I don’t know what to do to fix us, or if there even is a way to fix us. I just.. Can’t let go.
This also has an effect on my work relationships; I rarely want to go for fear of screwing everything up. I have a less than part-time job at a corporate gaming store, and I like it a lot. I like my boss, I like my coworkers, I like my customers (for the most part), and I even like the menial tasks that I have to do because I’m the least experienced and the newest in the store. It doesn’t even feel like work. This is rare, and I would give anything to keep this job. The problem is that I don’t get nearly enough hours to pose as a responsible adult. I need a second job, and I just don’t know where to look. I’ve been applying to quite a few places and haven’t even received a call for an interview. This makes me feel pretty worthless, but I’m trying my hardest. My husband thinks I’m on drugs and that’s why I still don’t have a job (drug tests); how do I tell him it’s because I want to die? It truly is a Mad World in my mind.
So then this is it.
The Last Goodbye.
I don’t even know exactly what I want to say here.
I suppose it’ll be a letter.
To my friends:
Don’t blame yourself. There’s no one to blame for any of this. You’ve been there for me through so much and I wouldn’t trade any of you. I’ve learned so much from all of you, and I hope I’ve done something to better your lives. I love you guys, please don’t miss me too much, I’ll be fine wherever I am.
To my husband:
I know things haven’t exactly been great between us and we spend majority of our time fighting. You’ve supported me more than I ever expected and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that. I’m so so sorry that I’m not good enough for you and that all I evet did was nag you and tell you that you weren’t good enough. I’m sorry for pushing you away and telling you that you’re always wrong. I’m sorry for complaining constantly and I’m sorry for every lie I’ve ever told you. I really do love you, and I’m so so sorry.
To my Mom and Grandma:
I’m sorry for this, I know this can’t be easy on you. Let me start off by saying this isn’t your fault, you did nothing wrong. I’m sorry I wasn’t the best daughter/granddaughter. I bit off more than I could chew with debt to both of you, I’ve mooched off of both of you, I’ve lied to you, and I’ve stolen from you (not recently). I was a pathetic excuse for a human being. I’m sorry I never accomplished anything worthwhile and I’m sorry I’ve set such a terrible example for Catheryn. I love you both so much.
To my little sister Catheryn:
Cat, I’m sorry I wasn’t a better sister. I’m sorry I was always so unfair to you. I’m sorry I did nothing at all to help you and that I practically always yelled at you. But most importantly, I’m so so sorry I wasn’t strong enough. Please please please don’t blame yourself for any of this. I need you to be strong and continue on the path you’re supposed to take. Keep going to school, keep making friends, go on to get a job, a degree, a husband and family of your own. You’re so much better off than I ever was and now it’ll be even better now that I’m not around to drag you down. Please don’t follow my example, life has so much in store for you and I don’t want you to miss out on any of it. I love you Cat.
I love all of you, and again, I’m so sorry.
*to anyone who happens to read this, I’m not anticipating hurting myself, this is just how I organize my thoughts and get it all out. I’ve been beyond stressed lately, and I really needed to put it in front of me and just breathe. Normally I wouldn’t publish something like this, but I feel like it’s going to help me in the future. I’m hoping this is something I can look back on in a few years and see how much I’ve grown. I want to get better. I need to get better.