That’s one hell of a title, ain’t it?
It’s not exactly what I was goin’ for, but it’ll have to do.
As usual this is going to be broken up into parts. If you’re wondering why, it’s because I feel like it makes it easier for you to follow, it makes it easier on me because I can quickly find a thought to expand on while I’m writing this, but mostly because I can’t keep a straight line of thought even if I tried. Just in case you didn’t already figure that out.
The first subject that I’d like to bring up is not knowing who I am. I don’t mean that in a literal sense, I don’t have dementia, everything is fine. I’m referring to a sense of dissociation with who I’ve become as a person. I don’t seem to have hobbies or skills outside of obedience and fucking up everything I’ve ever tried to accomplish. I’m good at faking my way through situations I don’t want to be in, but I think instead of “resourceful” that falls under “compulsive liar.”
This all kind of ties in with the next part, who I want to be.
I find it hard to pin down what I wanted to be when I was a child, which makes it hard for me to decide which path I need to take to get…. Where?
When I was younger, I always had grand ideas about who I would be when I grew up; I would picture myself as a loving, organized soccer mom, a successful powerful businesswoman, a teacher, the leader of a big socioeconomic movement, an actress. Even the not-so-accepted stuff like bank robber, cartel boss, mafia associations, professional escort, even a coma patient/car crash/burn victim or insane asylum patient…. *spoiler alert* It didn’t matter, I haven’t accomplished anything like that. Not even close.
In my “old age” I’ve come to feel that I should have found and stuck with something. Because now I’m sitting here not knowing what the hell to do with myself because I don’t know who I want to be. Being me now kind of sucks, by the way. I mean, I guess it has its perks, but it’s kind of lame and shitty too. I’ll explain.
I live with my family but I pay rent, my bed is in the living room because the two bedrooms are taken up by my mother in one and my grams and my little sister in the other. My mother is a kind of emotionally abusive selfish hoarder with a superiority complex and jealousy issues, my grams is just the best thing in the entire world, and my little sister just whines and bitches about how hard her life is and she doesn’t even know how to boil water and has never used public transportation in her entire life.
I have a small group of friends who constantly call me an inspiration in spite of the fact that I’m the human equivalent of trash. I’ve got my girl squad. Their opinions have an impact on the decisions I make. I’ll describe them individually but change their names for privacy’s sake.
First up there’s Millie. I’ve known her for quite some time, I’d say about thirteen years now. She’s kind of a crazy person, but I love her nonetheless. She’s got a strange living situation, three of the cutest, derpiest damn dogs I’ve ever seen, and a… nice? Fiance. I don’t know, that’s not my dirty laundry to air. She’s the one I vent to about my insecurities, we workout together (or not, usually not), we do crafts and shit, and come up with crazy schemes that we’re never going to actually do.
Then there’s Kim. She’s been in my life about eleven years now. From the outside she seems quiet and uninteresting. Ooh boy lemme tell you that is not the case. She’s a phenomenal artist and one of the kindest people I know. She worries about me constantly and is definitely the distant mother figure I always wanted. Her boyfriend is sweet from what I can tell, seeing as I’ve only met him once and have maybe only had one or two interactions with him outside of that. I’m confident he’ll take care of her. We go to the mall or the park and just talk. We seldom do anything else. She’s the one that knows I have an unhealthy obsession with potatoes and isn’t ashamed to be seen in public with me.
Amber has been in my life about six years at this point. It certainly doesn’t feel that long, but oh man time is flying. She’s funny, she’s laid back, she’s cool. In addition, she’s probably one of the most beautiful human beings I’ve ever seen. Her man is awesome, I’ve known him just a couple years more than I’ve known her. They have a beautiful baby boy that I regret not seeing as much as I should.
In addition to my small group of friends, I also have an incredibly supportive, passionate boyfriend who I’d do absolutely anything for. He takes care of me even when I’m mildly capable of taking care of myself.
I had a crappy job working retail sales management. Even though it wasn’t great, I was good at it and everyone in the company knew my name. I made decent money, but I got fired three days before Christmas because my direct supervisor decided that my doctor note (that I got because I took ONE sick day in three years) was a fake and that she couldn’t risk the integrity of her management team. It was in fact not a fake, I had strep and the flu. There was absolutely no way for me to get out of bed let alone drive 45 minutes into town to try to see a doctor. If it weren’t for my incredibly amazing boyfriend I’m sure I would have died on the road and I definitely wouldn’t have made it to see a doctor.
So now I’m unemployed and I’ve never had a harder time trying to find a job. Up until this point, I’ve received an offer from EVERY interview I’ve ever attended. Since I lost my job? I’ve had four interviews and I still haven’t gotten a call back.
This all ties into who I’m supposed to be. I’m supposed to be independent, working hard, enjoying life. I’m supposed to be responsible and stay on top of cleaning the small bit of the house I reside in. I’m supposed to be doing something more with my life.
How am I supposed to accomplish anything when I don’t know anything?
Normally by this point in my writing I’ve come to some sort of conclusion; I have some answer for the few of you who read this and think “Hey! Same.” Unfortunately this time around I don’t have that for you. I don’t know how to give you an answer to something I don’t understand myself.
I wish you all the best of luck.