The Last Goodbye and an Analysis of a Truly Mad World

I’m sure you’ve heard the song “Mad World,” if not, there will be a link at the bottom. In my younger years when I first heard this song, I found it depressing and didn’t understand it; it didn’t make sense to me. I heard the song earlier this morning after a particularly strange dream and in the middle of one of the worst fits of depression I’ve ever dealt with. I’ll be honest, I cried. It was a rough morning for me, and it led to a rough day, and an even worse night. As we speak I’ve been in bed for hours simply unable to fall asleep. This isn’t what I wanted out of life, and this is far from what I was expecting my early twenties to be like.

I’m not writing this post simply to bitch about my life, but in the hopes that someone may read it and relate, and learn from my mistakes.

As of right now, I think the biggest problem in my life is my self-esteem, closely followed by not being able to manage my depression and mood swings. Let’s be real here, I hate myself, and I have since about 2006. I wake up in the morning and all I want to do is pull out my hair and crawl out of my skin. I’ve had problems with my weight for as long as I can remember, and I’ve been determined to do something about it. My problem comes in that shortly after I resolve to change things, depression sets in and I lose all motivation to live let alone get my ass to the gym.

This causes a lot of difficulties with my relationships. I’ll start with the easy one to explain: my friendships. I have a network of extremely amazing friends who are usually very supportive and generous. I love them more than anything and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Like most people my friends like to make plans with me, and unlike most people I blow them off completely more often than not. It’s not like I do this with malicious intent, I feel awful when this happens; and I just don’t know how to tell them that I’d rather kill myself than get out of my bed. There are old friends of mine that I’ve blown off so frequently that they’ve dropped contact with me completely, which really doesn’t help the depression. Worse than ruining friendships, I feel I’ve destroyed my marriage. Granted I know I’m not the only problem, but I’m sure my self loathing doesn’t help at all. According to my husband I’m selfish and nihilistic and part of me is starting to believe that he’s actually right and not just mildly emotionally abusive. There are days I look at my husband like he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but most of the time I see him as someone I’d like to suffocate with a pillow. That’s not a healthy relationship. For either one of us. Sometimes I dream about leaving, but I really don’t have the guts or the financial stability to do it. In addition, I really do love him, and I couldn’t imagine living without him. The thing is, I don’t feel like we’re in a relationship anymore. I feel like we’re glorified roommates. We’re at a point where I don’t know what to do to fix us, or if there even is a way to fix us. I just.. Can’t let go.

This also has an effect on my work relationships; I rarely want to go for fear of screwing everything up. I have a less than part-time job at a corporate gaming store, and I like it a lot. I like my boss, I like my coworkers, I like my customers (for the most part), and I even like the menial tasks that I have to do because I’m the least experienced and the newest in the store. It doesn’t even feel like work. This is rare, and I would give anything to keep this job. The problem is that I don’t get nearly enough hours to pose as a responsible adult. I need a second job, and I just don’t know where to look. I’ve been applying to quite a few places and haven’t even received a call for an interview. This makes me feel pretty worthless, but I’m trying my hardest. My husband thinks I’m on drugs and that’s why I still don’t have a job (drug tests); how do I tell him it’s because I want to die? It truly is a Mad World in my mind.

So then this is it.

The Last Goodbye.

I don’t even know exactly what I want to say here.

I suppose it’ll be a letter.

To my friends:
Don’t blame yourself. There’s no one to blame for any of this. You’ve been there for me through so much and I wouldn’t trade any of you. I’ve learned so much from all of you, and I hope I’ve done something to better your lives. I love you guys, please don’t miss me too much, I’ll be fine wherever I am.

To my husband:
I know things haven’t exactly been great between us and we spend majority of our time fighting. You’ve supported me more than I ever expected and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that. I’m so so sorry that I’m not good enough for you and that all I evet did was nag you and tell you that you weren’t good enough. I’m sorry for pushing you away and telling you that you’re always wrong. I’m sorry for complaining constantly and I’m sorry for every lie I’ve ever told you. I really do love you, and I’m so so sorry.

To my Mom and Grandma:
I’m sorry for this, I know this can’t be easy on you. Let me start off by saying this isn’t your fault, you did nothing wrong. I’m sorry I wasn’t the best daughter/granddaughter. I bit off more than I could chew with debt to both of you, I’ve mooched off of both of you, I’ve lied to you, and I’ve stolen from you (not recently). I was a pathetic excuse for a human being. I’m sorry I never accomplished anything worthwhile and I’m sorry I’ve set such a terrible example for Catheryn. I love you both so much.

And finally,
To my little sister Catheryn:
Cat, I’m sorry I wasn’t a better sister. I’m sorry I was always so unfair to you. I’m sorry I did nothing at all to help you and that I practically always yelled at you. But most importantly, I’m so so sorry I wasn’t strong enough. Please please please don’t blame yourself for any of this. I need you to be strong and continue on the path you’re supposed to take. Keep going to school, keep making friends, go on to get a job, a degree, a husband and family of your own. You’re so much better off than I ever was and now it’ll be even better now that I’m not around to drag you down. Please don’t follow my example, life has so much in store for you and I don’t want you to miss out on any of it. I love you Cat.

I love all of you, and again, I’m so sorry.

…..

*to anyone who happens to read this, I’m not anticipating hurting myself, this is just how I organize my thoughts and get it all out. I’ve been beyond stressed lately, and I really needed to put it in front of me and just breathe. Normally I wouldn’t publish something like this, but I feel like it’s going to help me in the future. I’m hoping this is something I can look back on in a few years and see how much I’ve grown. I want to get better. I need to get better.

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The Millenial’s Guide to the Woes of Work, the Mess of Marriage, and the Density of Depression

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything deep and insightful (or written anything at all for that matter), but I’m going to give it a shot due to having so much on my mind and not knowing what to do with it. So here goes nothing.

I’ve often heard my generation be referred to as “Millenials” or “Generation Y.” After some consideration, I’ve determined that a better suited name would be “Generation WHY.” Allow me to explain; our generation questions everything, and constantly worries about what’s in it for themselves. Why do I have to work? Why do I have to pay outrageous sums of money for college tuition? Why won’t my parents support me well into my 30s? Why can’t I do what I really want? Why do I have to do what authorities tell me? Why won’t my parents buy me what I want? Why do I spend so much time worrying what’s happening all around the world while my own life and society is crumbling around me? Why should I care? Some of these are valid points that I agree with, while others are simply idiotic and disrespectful; I’ll let you determine which are which.

Now that the brief description is out of the way, let’s start with the Woes of Work. Work can really suck, can’t it? No matter which shift you work, there’s a high probability that you feel the prior shift is incompetent and simply enjoys making your life a living hell. I assure you, this isn’t the case. Well, most of the time at least. If you work for a giant corporation (as I do), you begin to realize a few key things about work:

  1. The harder you work, the more capable your superiors believe you are, the more they’ll give you to do. Even if that means they give you more tasks than you are physically capable of completing in a standard eight hour period.
  2. No matter how hard you work, there’s always someone who is more qualified than you.
  3. If you work with primarily women, the WILL start rumors and try to make it impossible for you to look better than them in any way.
  4. You have to absolutely focus on yourself and your work. Remember, you’re there to make money, not friends. If they insist on gossiping and dragging you into it, have the common sense to keep it to yourself.
  5. You’ll begin to notice that the associates who have been with the company for an extended period of time go one of three ways, they become bored and less productive due to familiarity of their work. Two, they’ll become stressed to the point of becoming a seemingly constant angry, detached entity. Or three, they retain their constantly cheery, outgoing behavior and are viewed as an over-achiever that no one likes.

These kinds of situations have become increasingly normal, which (in my opinion) is depressing and almost pitiful. Simply walking into an establishment, you’ll be able to identify what’s happening with the associates, who holds resent for another, and who really does their fair share of the work that needs to be done. This is a result of associates being unable to separate their home lives from their work lives. This isn’t simply an option, no. This is something that NEEDS to be done, not only to increase productivity in the work place, but also to increase happiness in your home life. Don’t take your work home with you, you’ll regret it.

Another thing that I’d like to mention about the workplace is interpersonal communication and relationships in the work place. By relationships, I’m referring to everything from friendships, to infatuation with a coworker, all the way to ruining your home life by having an affair with a coworker; but I’ll come back to this in just a moment. I’d like to first talk about interpersonal communication and micro-messages. If you’re unfamiliar with these concepts, I’ll do my best to explain. I’ll also include and excerpt with a link to some helpful tools. Interpersonal communication studies how tone of voice and body language have an effect on productivity and acceptance of coworkers and superiors. Example being, the way you greet an associate that you enjoy working with is going to be considerably different than the manner in which you would greet an associate that you dislike or deem useless, if you choose to greet that associate at all. The trick is to not pick favorites, although this will happen regardless, you need to learn how to control your behavior around the associate that you are dissatisfied with. If that associate becomes aware that their very presence is a bother to you, it will show in their productivity and they’ll either begin to avoid you, or purposefully inject themselves into your course of work simply to make things difficult for you depending on what kind of person they are. On the other hand, there’s affection and infatuation. This is just as dangerous, if not worse. Allow me to explain. At first, things are great. You like each other, you strive to impress the other person, and everything seems to fit into place. Sometimes these things work out and it’s fantastic, but more likely than not, things become twisted and cause problems. You’ll begin to find irritating habits about the other person, productivity will decline, and will eventually culminate with you not wanting to see one another and someone quitting, which hurts the establishment. The thing that most couples fail to realize is that every healthy relationship includes space (I’ll touch on this more a bit later), and working with this person as well as spending large quantities of time together outside of work can be detrimental to your relationship. My advice is to avoid personal relationships in the workplace. If you begin to find yourself in one of these situations, you need to find a way to get yourself out. Whether that means you quit, or attempt to move to a completely different part of the establishment or another location of the establishment, I’ll let you decide. However, just remember that in order to keep yourself happy and productive at work, you need to separate your home and work life.

There’s not much else I can say on the matter, I’m not allowed to affect free will. So, I’ll move onto the next topic I’d like to discuss: the Mess of Marriage. Before I go any farther, I’m not implying that my marriage is a mess, or that your personal beliefs of marriage are irrelevant. I’m simply voicing my opinion and giving advice to the best of my abilities.

So on to marriage. For some, the wedding is the happiest day of their lives until they have children, but for others, it’s a massive expense that causes more stress than it’s worth. Mine was the latter. By no means do I regret my wedding, it was beautiful and I loved it, but it was far from my dream wedding and it just stressed me out constantly worrying about what I’d forgotten. Something to keep in mind is that it doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be what you and your significant other wants. You’ve got to communicate with one another. A lack of communication could result in a haphazard marriage where one person is content and the other is unhappy. This can lead to lies, hiding things, affairs, and neglecting not only the needs of your partner but your own needs as well. You don’t want to do this. A side note, you don’t want to talk to anyone about your marital problems, they’ll only make you doubt yourself and your relationship more.

The best advice I can give you is to have faith in what you love, in who you love. Always, always, always communicate, don’t hide anything. Complete and total trust is what helps a relationship thrive and survive. If you have no trust, you have nothing. If you have no love, you have no business being in a relationship. You need to learn to love yourself before you’re capable of loving anyone else, and that’s something that I was having a hard time accepting when I first got with my husband. He’s made me a better person, but it took me quite some time to get where I am with him. Time. That’s important. Time is everything when it comes to love. Don’t rush into things, and do your best to keep a clear mind. Discuss where you see yourself down the line and make sure you have reasonable goals, not only personal goals, but goals with your loved one. Don’t let others bring you down or interfere with your relationship. That’s about all I can say about marriage and love at this point, but there’s always more to it. There’s always more.

Onto my final point, the Density of Depression.

Depression, in my experience, is natural. It comes when you least expect it, and more often than not it comes with absolutely no trigger. One day you’ll be completely okay, then the next it’s like the weight of the world is sitting on your chest attempting to convince you that the world would be better off without you. You can’t believe the demon that sits on your shoulder and whispers terrible things to you. To be honest, battling depression is no easy task, and it usually never completely goes away. It’s like a crippling blow to your self-esteem and it completely skews your perception of the world around you. It’s similar to looking into the mirror after a hot shower; even if you wipe the condensation away, it forms again quickly and you’re unable to focus on anything very clearly. Now there’s a difference between depression and sadness. Sadness goes away, while depression lingers in the back of your mind constantly and tugs at the corners of your mind, not allowing you to focus on anything completely and leaving you in a constant state of self-doubt. It’s unfair to yourself to allow yourself to feel this way. I’m not saying you’re going to be able to simply magically move past it and wish it all away. It’s going to be there, but there’s always a way to distract yourself. Read a book, write an article, go for a walk, take a nap, color in a coloring book, clean something. There’s always something else to do. You can’t allow depression to cloud your mind, you can’t let it convince you that the world would be better off without you. You’re here for a reason, and you’ll never know what it is if you take the easy way out. There’s someone out there who loves you, someone who cares deeply for you. You can’t destroy their happiness just because you can’t find yours. You’ll be okay, you can make it through this.

I don’t have anything else to say on the matter, so I’ll close this entry here. I’ll simply leave you with this: Find your happiness, and once you find it, you hold onto it. Don’t choke it, let it breathe. You need to breathe. You can make it through anything if you put your mind to it and don’t let the shadows hold you back. I believe in you.

My Green-Eyed Monster Under the Bed

Everyone has a green-eyed monster, at least to some extent. There’s always someone that you loathe their very existence simply because they exist. It happens, it’s natural. The issue comes in when you let the monster get into your head and start tearing shit up. It always starts simple at first, doesn’t it? Maybe you want that girl’s shoes, or that guy’s girlfriend, or the publicity of that one coffee shop down the street that always seems to have more business than you. Small things, simple things. Then things escalate, and your jealousy begins to rear it’s ugly head and evolve into a three-headed she-devil that spits fire and venom in the form of backhanded compliments and snide remarks.
If you have self control, it usually stops there. If you’re like I am, you find that your jealousy starts to consume you, starts to control how you live your life. That’s when things get really bad. Your jealousy evolves into rage and hate for no particular reason. You won’t wear that outfit because the fat bitch you hate so much would look better in it. You decide not to play RockBand with your friends at the last minute because right before you pick the song, they say how good that whale whore is at singing that particular song. You skip out on huge social events and house parties just because you know she’s gonna waddle in the front door and ruin your whole night. Sometimes you even go as far as to try to eliminate her from your life completely by abandoning the mutual friends of yours and planning where to bury a body (just in case, you know?). 
Here’s where I would normally try to explain how to conquer your jealousy and turn the other cheek and to be a good person and blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately, there’s not much I can offer on the subject because I’m still currently a victim of the green beast (Oh, like you couldn’t tell), and any advice I would give would be hypocritical and fake. That’s not what I’m trying to do here. The only thing I have to offer on the subject is that it will destroy your life. Simple everyday tasks become a competition, you always have to be better, and it will put so much strain on you that it will start to drain you. Every bit of your energy will go into making someone else’s life a living hell while your own life starts to circle the drain. 
So I’ll leave this: If you spend all of your time wanting to be someone else, you won’t have time to find yourself.

Everything With Moderation, a Side of Sarcasm, and a Dash of Humor

Life can be rough. It can be unrelenting and heartless, and at the end of the day sometimes it can make you feel like there’s nothing left to live for. There are days that you won’t want to get out of bed because it feels like things are so terrible, and nights that you’ll lay awake for hours criticizing yourself for everything you did (or didn’t) do that day. There will be long moments of awkward silences caused by a lack of anything genuine to say to make someone else, anyone else feel better; there will be moments where the roar of conversation around you will drown out the very ability to think clearly. There will be mornings when you look at yourself in the mirror and simply crumble at the thought of what your life has become, but there will also be mornings in which you will be confronting your reflection and telling yourself that everything is going to be okay.
The point here is that there are good days and there are bad days for all of us; the trick is to stay positive and always look forward. Dwelling on the past is what makes you a glutton for punishment, and there’s no use crying over spilled milk. It’s perfectly natural to feel sad sometimes, no one can be happy on a constant basis. The key is moderation, this will come up at least once more in this posting, but that’s saved for a little later. If you’re feeling upset, go ahead and cry, scream, punch things… Who cares? You do whatever you need to to blow off steam and make yourself feel better, just don’t let it trap you for longer than necessary. Trust me, you’re fine, just breathe. I assure you, no one is harder on you than yourself.
You have to have a sense of humor about yourself and your environment. Don’t take life too seriously, it’s not like you’re going to make it out alive anyway. You’ve got to take everything with a grain of salt, and don’t be too quick to judge someone before you know the truth. Your mood contributes to an environment just as an environment contributes to your mood. If you walk around angry or sad all of the time, you’re not going to be able to see the joy in life and appreciate what it has to offer. Alternatively, if you walk around with excessive happiness these days people may think you’re crazy or simply ignorant, because for some reason our society deems it necessary for us to feel bad for other people on a constant basis. With a constant barrage of media depicting one threatening or depressing story after another, it does make it difficult to see the bright side of things, believe me, I know. Let me tell you this, though: You have to experience the bad in order to appreciate the good. It’s as simple as that.
problem that I see frequently among friends, strangers, and even myself is that we set unattainable goals for ourselves. I’m not only referring to unrealistic ambitions, but also when you set a goal with an impractical deadline for yourself. In theory there’s nothing wrong with this, however, there’s a high probability that you’re going to beat yourself up over not being able to accomplish the impossible.These goals can go from the simplest thing (like weight loss or sticking to a fitness plan, for example) to dreams of grandeur (such as wanting to engineer the world’s fastest computer before the age of 40), and both can destroy you if you don’t set up a reasonable achievement plan. The first step I suggest taking is set up a series of small knowingly attainable goals that come together to secure a larger objective. From there, all I can tell you is that you control your life and your decisions. Don’t lose faith, you can do whatever you set your mind to.
Something that has crossed my path more than once is the unfortunate case of addiction and substance abuse. I understand more than most people that it’s not something that’s not easily put out of your life, but take it from someone who knows, it gets better. In regards of marijuana (which is most frequently used in my experience), I don’t believe it’s a “drug.” Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely some people who shouldn’t consume THC because they don’t know how to handle themselves, however, there are so many functioning stoners that don’t seem to have a problem. Here it is again, the key is moderation. The users that stay at home and sap government funds to support their habits are not people I approve of. Alternatively, if you work your ass off for your money and pay taxes like a grown adult, why do I care if you wanna light up after a long day? You do you.

In closing:  Don’t let your life be ruled by deadlines and unhappiness, take the reins, and do something for yourself every now and again.

Blah, Blah, Blah, Something About Effective Communication

I, myself, being mostly an introverted individual, sometimes find it difficult to communicate with the people around me. Some are familiar with using the term “filter” when it comes to censoring one’s thoughts before they reach the lips. This isn’t exactly what I have a problem with. I’m usually very well aware of what I’m saying, my difficulty is that my filter gets clogged and I find myself lacking words entirely.
Small talk is easy enough, however, the more intimate the conversation, the more impossible it becomes for me to properly transfer a thought into coherent words. More lately, I find myself choked up and on the verge of tears more than I’d like to admit, usually for no particular reason. In all honesty, I’m fairly hard on myself in a losing battle for a desire to be…

A desire to be what…?
Perfect? No.
Just… Accepted, adored even.

At this point, I’ll take what I can get.

As far as learning to communicate effectively, it all begins with slowing down my thoughts enough for my vocal cords to be able to keep up. Perhaps it has something to do with nerves. For all I know, one of my thoughts that go racing by could have been a million dollar idea. Who knows? Something to add to my list of things I need to work on to better myself.

In the mean time, I leave you with this:

Actions really are capable of speaking louder than words. If you say you’re going to do something, don’t make a liar out of yourself.

What is it About That Thing Called Life?

After incredible amounts of speculation laying alone in the dark, I’ve come to question the meaning of life. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has done this, after all, there are dozens of philosophical works dedicated to the subject. I realize that one’s “meaning of life” may be interpreted differently when compared to another. I believe this to be partially explained by an individual’s goals and aspirations, as well as where, when, and how they were brought up as children.
I am a child of the 90’s, born outside of the continental United States in Honolulu, Hawaii. I was relocated to Albuquerque before I could ever gain a conscious recollection of what island life was like. I grew up in this desert, granted we moved around a bit. As far back as I can recount I’ve always been a good kid, nothing spectacular, simply did what I was told and remained clear of trouble. Until I was around perhaps fourteen of fifteen years of age, but that story is for a different day. Today, I’d like to discuss life.
What I intend to write following this brief introduction is simply abstract pieces crudely thrown together in a jumble of semi-coherent thought.

What is life?

Life is a wonderful, terrible thing. A complex series of decisions and choices that ultimately leads to… What? That’s the thing, no matter who you are — how rich or poor, how intelligent or dumb, how beautiful or unattractive, how successful or fruitless our efforts — none of it matters; our graves are naught but a hole in the ground. However, my point here is not centered on death, but the journey we take to get there. That is really what life is.
Every action in this world will bear a consequence, whether it’s beneficial or malicious is purely determined by an individual standpoint. Life is a constant path of decisions that determine essentially how you will be remembered once you’re gone. I believe that no one ever really has the opportunity to understand the impact they have on the world, because every thing is continuous. A decision made by one’s ancestors can potentially have influence on how one chooses to live their own life.

Essentially there’s not much more I can say on the subject at the moment, I’m still in the process of attempting to work everything out myself. So, my friends, I leave you with this:

Everything surrounding you is relative, a simple decision can change your entire existence.